Death of a Social Enthusiast

This weekend has been the longest weekend ever.  In an effort not to spend so much money since I don't get paid like a full time grown up anymore, I try to cut back on trips and not go into the mall.  My lack of traveling is not solely due to limited funds, this is part of my bigger picture to focus on why I am here in this small cowtown.  I am here to get.my.PhD.....

When I set out on this new venture in life, I clearly scoped the town out to see if I could live here for a minimum of three years...and I obviously reached the conclusion that it was doable.  I mean  what's the big deal, I am from a small town.....where there is nothing to do...but get pregnant, deal drugs, join a gang or all of thee above.  So hey, no biggie moving here I thought....Well problem is, my spirit and heart is bigger then the small town social flow or mentality for that matter.  I tend to gravitate toward medium sized metropolitan cities..where on any given night if I feel like going somewhere, I could.  There were always options.  Here is a different story....there are limited options, if that's what you care to call them.

Most people characterize me as a social butterfly which I find amusing because I have never categorized myself as that.  Maybe because deep down inside, I know I am a loner, but appear to be social to the outside world.....*shrug...but this weekend, I craved some type of interaction outside of academics with someone.  (I wonder if there is some strange correlation between being a loner and being a social butterfly.  Seems like an oxymoron, but highly plausible)  I wouldn't mind socializing with people from school, but I wanted to socialize in an environment that is non academically related, preferably over drinks....LOTS OF DRINKS. 

I played myself on so many levels by staying in cowtown.  I could have went home to a wedding, but I could not justify to myself driving 11 hrs for a wedding....The GHOE took place this weekend, but I opted not to go because the people I were really close with would not be in attendance..and again, back to this saving money thing.  I couldn't justify spending the rent money on homecoming weekend.  So I stayed in cowtown. 

I'm not sure how to identify my emotions right now, but I literally was about to lose it this weekend.  I miss the south, southern culture....just being immersed in it.  I'm a southern/eastern girl at heart with a urban flare.  None of these exist in So. Illinois.  I missed the familiarity of the South.  The music, the food, HBCU homecomings, hell I miss my parents.  Is this what being homesick feels like?  That would totally be weird.  In all of my l0 years that I have been living away from home (two of which I moved back home, but was depressed most of the time)  I have NEVER..EVER...BEEN HOMESICK.  NEVER!!  Maybe it was just an off weekend but either way, something has got to give....

I do not know whether I should reinvent my social life, or just have a memorial for it.  Like lay it to rest for the next few years.  It's not like I don't have enough on my plate of things that need to be done.  Maybe I am spazzin' out because my options have been taken away from me...that's it.  I'm a person that enjoys options, and right now I feel like my hands are tied and I have none.  Everyone says hop in the car and go to St. Louis of Chicago...yeah..that's cool and all, but hell I'm use to going down the street and being content with that. Not gassing up the car and making a damn day trip out of having some casual fun.  I'm in such a FML mood right now. 

This is probably my next to last rant about the current state of my social life right now.  I'll get over it like everything else in life.  I am just a little party deprived right now.  yeah...I have no choice but to get over it..this is what I signed up for.

Have You Seen My Happiness? I've Seemed to Misplace It

I love my mother and she is an interesting woman.  The best piece of advice she could have ever given me was "Don't let anyone steal your joy." 

People who know me knows that I am passionate person.  I am passionate about a lot of things.  Other people who possess as much passion as I do can understand me when I say...my passion gets me in trouble sometimes..not like commit a crime trouble or anything, but I tend to let people have the best of my emotions when they don't deserve that much energy from me.  I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this, but what I do differently then most people (now) is revisit what my mother always told me growing up (refer to above).  Life is crazy sometimes, and it will sideswipe the shit outta you unexpectedly catch you off guard.

There are many more miserable people out here then happy ones.  Therefore if you are one of those "happy people" you have to fight to stay happy.  I have always said that no one is out here handing out happiness and if they are, let me know what corner they are standing on, I wanna sign up. There are so many BITTER, ANGRY, and UNHAPPY people I come in contact with on a daily basis.  They are upset at how life has turned out for them, and rather then accepting life for what it is which is sometimes FUCKED UP they rather walk around bitter spreading the bitter gospel amongst everyone they come in contact with.  At some point folks, you have to decide to be happy.  You have to decide that you will no longer give this person, place or thing domain over your state of happiness.  I REPEAT NO ONE IS HANDING OUT HAPPINESS..but there are plenty of people out here that are trying to take it from you. 

You know why there are so many bitter, angry people in the world, because its easy..it's so effin easy to be bitter and angry with other people and at life.  It's comfortable to be bitter, you don't have to work hard at it, there is no room for perfection in it.  Bitter is as Bitter does....Now don't get me wrong....this world and the people in it can do some EFFED up things and have an EFFED up thought process, but that doesn't mean you should let their intellectual shortcomings effect your peace of mind.
 
Don't let anyone steal your Joy........

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.- W.E.Henley