Death of a Social Enthusiast

This weekend has been the longest weekend ever.  In an effort not to spend so much money since I don't get paid like a full time grown up anymore, I try to cut back on trips and not go into the mall.  My lack of traveling is not solely due to limited funds, this is part of my bigger picture to focus on why I am here in this small cowtown.  I am here to get.my.PhD.....

When I set out on this new venture in life, I clearly scoped the town out to see if I could live here for a minimum of three years...and I obviously reached the conclusion that it was doable.  I mean  what's the big deal, I am from a small town.....where there is nothing to do...but get pregnant, deal drugs, join a gang or all of thee above.  So hey, no biggie moving here I thought....Well problem is, my spirit and heart is bigger then the small town social flow or mentality for that matter.  I tend to gravitate toward medium sized metropolitan cities..where on any given night if I feel like going somewhere, I could.  There were always options.  Here is a different story....there are limited options, if that's what you care to call them.

Most people characterize me as a social butterfly which I find amusing because I have never categorized myself as that.  Maybe because deep down inside, I know I am a loner, but appear to be social to the outside world.....*shrug...but this weekend, I craved some type of interaction outside of academics with someone.  (I wonder if there is some strange correlation between being a loner and being a social butterfly.  Seems like an oxymoron, but highly plausible)  I wouldn't mind socializing with people from school, but I wanted to socialize in an environment that is non academically related, preferably over drinks....LOTS OF DRINKS. 

I played myself on so many levels by staying in cowtown.  I could have went home to a wedding, but I could not justify to myself driving 11 hrs for a wedding....The GHOE took place this weekend, but I opted not to go because the people I were really close with would not be in attendance..and again, back to this saving money thing.  I couldn't justify spending the rent money on homecoming weekend.  So I stayed in cowtown. 

I'm not sure how to identify my emotions right now, but I literally was about to lose it this weekend.  I miss the south, southern culture....just being immersed in it.  I'm a southern/eastern girl at heart with a urban flare.  None of these exist in So. Illinois.  I missed the familiarity of the South.  The music, the food, HBCU homecomings, hell I miss my parents.  Is this what being homesick feels like?  That would totally be weird.  In all of my l0 years that I have been living away from home (two of which I moved back home, but was depressed most of the time)  I have NEVER..EVER...BEEN HOMESICK.  NEVER!!  Maybe it was just an off weekend but either way, something has got to give....

I do not know whether I should reinvent my social life, or just have a memorial for it.  Like lay it to rest for the next few years.  It's not like I don't have enough on my plate of things that need to be done.  Maybe I am spazzin' out because my options have been taken away from me...that's it.  I'm a person that enjoys options, and right now I feel like my hands are tied and I have none.  Everyone says hop in the car and go to St. Louis of Chicago...yeah..that's cool and all, but hell I'm use to going down the street and being content with that. Not gassing up the car and making a damn day trip out of having some casual fun.  I'm in such a FML mood right now. 

This is probably my next to last rant about the current state of my social life right now.  I'll get over it like everything else in life.  I am just a little party deprived right now.  yeah...I have no choice but to get over it..this is what I signed up for.

TRAPSTAR SMAPSTAR........

This semester, I'm taking a Health Behavior Theory Class.  While I really love to learn about theories, the professor has a tendency to let the class take over the discussion and steer it into all kinds of directions.  While this can be annoying at times, interesting views on health behavior from a diverse class are shared. 

While we were doing a break down on the Health Belief Model, using ccondom use to prevent STDs as an example..... A guy went on a tangent about how some women are out here to trap men, knowing they have an agreement for her not to get pregnant while they are trying to accomplish other goals.  Not sure what jumped in my spirit, but I kinda went off on him........

This irks my nerves..I hate to hear when men claim "they were trapped by a woman."  Seriously, did she pin you down, tie you up and forced you to have sex with her without a comdon?  I get it...she ran up from behind you, knocked you out and force the sperm right out of you.  OK. OK..lemme stop. 

Both parties involved in a sexual act need to take ownership and control over their reproductive rights.  At that very moment, when a man takes off his condom, and inserts his raw penis inside of a female, he just gave up his reproductive rights.  His future now stands the chance of being altered or partly planned out by a woman, all because he didn't use a condom.  Men need to stop being so trustworthy of women,especially the ones they barely know. We(men and women) are all selfish creatures to some degree by nature and if presented with the proper tools needed to execute an action for desired results, we will take advantage of the opportunity to.get what we want, no matter the repercussions of our actions sometimes. 

Another thing that pissed me off was...."women always claim to be on the pill, and they lie."  Again, this boils down to ownership and responsibility.  How about you not solely depend on the female to take her birth control, but be proactive about putting on a condom and taking part control of the situation.  Not to mention, I don't know how many commercials you have missed, but clearly birth control is not 100% accurate.  Now birth control used with condoms is as close as you will get to 100% accuracy. 

All of that to say this....SHE CAN'T TRAP YOU, IF YOU DON'T WANNA BE CAUGHT.....stop putting yourself in preventable situations and stop giving control over rights, and well future to someone else. 

Have You Seen My Happiness? I've Seemed to Misplace It

I love my mother and she is an interesting woman.  The best piece of advice she could have ever given me was "Don't let anyone steal your joy." 

People who know me knows that I am passionate person.  I am passionate about a lot of things.  Other people who possess as much passion as I do can understand me when I say...my passion gets me in trouble sometimes..not like commit a crime trouble or anything, but I tend to let people have the best of my emotions when they don't deserve that much energy from me.  I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this, but what I do differently then most people (now) is revisit what my mother always told me growing up (refer to above).  Life is crazy sometimes, and it will sideswipe the shit outta you unexpectedly catch you off guard.

There are many more miserable people out here then happy ones.  Therefore if you are one of those "happy people" you have to fight to stay happy.  I have always said that no one is out here handing out happiness and if they are, let me know what corner they are standing on, I wanna sign up. There are so many BITTER, ANGRY, and UNHAPPY people I come in contact with on a daily basis.  They are upset at how life has turned out for them, and rather then accepting life for what it is which is sometimes FUCKED UP they rather walk around bitter spreading the bitter gospel amongst everyone they come in contact with.  At some point folks, you have to decide to be happy.  You have to decide that you will no longer give this person, place or thing domain over your state of happiness.  I REPEAT NO ONE IS HANDING OUT HAPPINESS..but there are plenty of people out here that are trying to take it from you. 

You know why there are so many bitter, angry people in the world, because its easy..it's so effin easy to be bitter and angry with other people and at life.  It's comfortable to be bitter, you don't have to work hard at it, there is no room for perfection in it.  Bitter is as Bitter does....Now don't get me wrong....this world and the people in it can do some EFFED up things and have an EFFED up thought process, but that doesn't mean you should let their intellectual shortcomings effect your peace of mind.
 
Don't let anyone steal your Joy........

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.- W.E.Henley

His Hand Was Raised...but he didn't have a question

I never really thought I would find myself in these type of situations...you know the kind that may possibly end up in death......

I have been described as educated, independent, strong, and focused.  I am usually the one giving advice on situations and relationships to friends on the opposite sex.  Yet and still....I found myself in an abusive relationship.  Yes..the signs were there, and I, like other women thought.....we are still learning each other...he is just having a really bad day, things will get better...but they didn't..and they probably wouldn't have...In fact, I'm more then willing to bet, they would have gotten worse. 

I met this guy, we will call him the devil Eric.  Eric was a regular guy on the outside.  He had a 9 to 5, worked hard and actually loved what he did for a living.  He kept to himself for the most part, and was kind of introverted.  Oh yeah..guess I failed to mention, we kind of worked in the same building.  I know bad move on my part, especially considering the way things ended.  Anyways, Eric and I started off in full throttle....he would show up to my door with groceries clean up behind himself (except for dishes, he hated doing the dishes), and for the most part treated me like a queen.  Then quickly, the representative of Eric faded away and I was presented with the real Eric.  This guy was much more scarier and had a temper.  Anything that deviated from his norm or schedule he flipped out about.  He slowly showed his controlling issues, which clashed completely with my personality.  I recall him flying off the handle about me ordering pork one day because he didn't eat pork.  He felt that if he was paying for the meal, he should not feel obligated to support something he didn't agree with. Oh, but please believe I HAD MY PORK and it was GOOD!!!!

Anyways, he didn't start off attempting to physically abuse me...It started with emotional abuse.  The odd thing about this was that, I never really experience emotional abuse so I wasn't able to recognize it right away.  I just knew that after being around him, I felt drained and tired. 

The relationship was always up and down...high and low...there was never a balance to it, or some type of in between.  Funny enough, when things felt balanced, it was abnormal to him, so he would do something to throw the balance off again.  This is how he operated his life....

The last straw that broke the camels back was one Saturday, he left to go meet with a client.  Once he came home, I greeted him with a hello.  He said nothing...I got up to iron clothes.  I had planned in advance to attend a church function.  As I went to iron my clothes, he followed behind me and inquired my future whereabouts.  I didn't bother to answer.  Hey I thought, he didn't speak when he came in, I don't have to speak now.  And that is when all hell broke loose things really fell apart.

He accused me of cheating. I had my back turned to him and when I turned around he sprayed me in the face with a household cleaner.  I paused in my steps in shock...like I thought to myself did this ninja just spray me in the face with cleaner just happen.....I then began to collect my things to leave when he cornered me and raise his hand...I thought to myself...I really hope he knocks me the fcuk out because if not, Imma kill him dead is he really about to hit me....like when did it get to this?  How did I allow it to get to this?  He didn't hit me, but the fact that it crossed his mind where he physically lifted his hand to follow through on his anger towards me left one baffled.

I've never experienced any kind of domestic violence.  I've never witnessed it within my family.  So I really didn't know what to do...I was feeling so many emotions at one time, and I felt like time was running out for me to process them.  People always say if that was me, I would do this...well truth is..you don't know what you will do...You haven't a clue, because we tend to think we are above being put in those type of situations.  I felt like somehow this was my fault.  I know I didn't deserved to be hit, but it was my fault I allowed myself to stay in this unhealthy situation as long as I did.  I was so upset  and disappointed with myself.  I became depressed and kind of closed myself off for about a month and did the usual emotional eating thing we as women tend to do.  No one would have ever known what had happened to me if I hadn't told them...and the people closest to me didn't know about my bout of anger with myself.  

Instead of identifying as a victim of domestic abuse, I like to identify as a survivor of it.  I talk about it with people because that is my therapy.  It's how I've learned to work through it.  Domestic violence happens more often then not.  We don't discuss it half as much as we should.  It's only been forced into the light more recently because of the Chris Brown vs. Rhianna situation.  Many and I do mean MANY of my strong, independent friends have experience some form of it....we just don't talk about it.  It's almost like we see it as embarrassing, so we tuck it deep inside somewhere, hoping never to go through it again.  It was by far the worse relationship I have ever been in, but as crazy as this may sound..I have to be thankful for it, because it made me grow more as a person and learn who I am and what I want from a partner.  When i see flashing red lights...I immediately stop in my tracks and remove myself from that situation.  The objective is to do better, not do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

What really bothers me is how many women are out here hurting because they don't talk about what happened to them?  What about the ones who are still going through it?

So He Popped the Question....I'm Confused

How long is long enough to know someone before you all decide to throw your life away get married?

A friend of mine called last night to tell me she was engaged.  She is the type of person to do anything she can to help you and you usually need a stiff drink before/and or after you get a call from her a bit naive when it comes to men.  Now I am usually elated and happy for my friends who are about to ride off in that gangsta chariot to matrimony.  This particular situation has my nerves uneasy.  She has advanced degrees and has been engaged in her past at a much younger age(20).  She called that engagement off because he was a loser A** ninja of his infidelity issues.  Fast forward to age 31......She met this guy mid Fall of 09, they haven't even known each other a year......and I think they have been exclusive for about 2 months.  He is from Africa(paperwork is in order folks) and is in the field of academia.  I know nothing really about this guy other than his name, which I learned last night in conversation.  She also called a mutual friend of ours to let her know of the engagement.  My other friend was elated.....but told me she didn't even know that she was dating someone, even more someone serious.

After all of the engagement hoopla, she mention to me that she wanted to let all of her close friends now before she changed her face book status....this confused me.  If I just recently got engaged...I wouldn't be concerned about letting the Face book world, know..but hey...that's just me.  Getting back to the point I wanted to make...since we are your close friends...why did I just learn his name last night...and how come you didn't even bother to tell your other close friend that you were exclusively dating someone.....Now I understand the fact that, it doesn't matter how much of or little I know about the guy my friend plans to marry.....I just hope she knows AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE...He is a little older so maybe, just maybe he is mature and just knows he is ready.....

All in all, I understand that ultimately it is her own personal decision to make, which she has..who she marries....my question is as a friend, am I just supposed to be happy for her while there is this little feeling tugging at my heart.  Or should I listen to the tug(discernment) and just voice my concern and be done with it?I know I can't save everybody from everything..and there is a strong possibility that my voice of concern may not change anything which, I'm totally OK with...I just feel like it is my duty as a friend to walk this thin line of minding my own business and allowing people to make their decisions but also voice my concern about situations that directly effect their long term well being......

I think the song is fitting.....Hope my friends marriage has the same ending as this video.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlMvO2jUkH8

-Level Headed Chick

Encouraging Someone Elses Man......

This is an old post from a previous blog. dated 09/21/10...
Ex boyfriend: I need you to encourage me. Your encouragement is key for me, don’t ask why. When you slow talk my ideas, then I worry...


I know for a fact that a man needs encouragement from his mate. You have to aid in building your man up, not breaking him down. It’s important to allow him to make his own decisions, but at the same time support what he is trying to do (if it’s sensible, and in some cases it wont be). Now the above statement means the world to a woman when her man relays this to her....problem is, this isnt my man. This is my ex....Now if my opinion means that much to you, why am I his ex and not his wife. More importantly how can you say this to another woman that is states away, but yet you have a woman in the comforts of your "home" and I use the term "home" loosely, whose bills you pay, who you take care of and provide for. I don’t understand how you can do all these things for her, but the least she can do is encourage you, and she doesn’t do that.....but oh folks, we know there are two sides to every coin...so let's say she does encourage you....obviously, you don’t want it from her...you want it from me. Not only do you want encouragement for me, you seek acceptance of your ideas from me. Does he see anything remotely wrong with this picture? Like how dysfunctional can shit get between two people. I mean realistically, what do you expect me to do....just be there, pat you on your back, tell you it will be ok, tell you, you can do it....like am I seriously supposed to build someone else’s man up, for them to continually reap the benefits of the encouragement I pour into him...I MEAN GEEZ, when will this shit stop? (Rhetorical question, I know it will stop when I’m ready for it to.) Why does he not see it this way? I have made a promise to myself, not to be in the same place with this guy this time next year. I’m not blind to the fact that I deeply care about this man, and in my sick demented twisted thought process, I feel good about the fact that he does need me, but this emotional dependence is not good for me, and in all honesty not for him either. Are things really this difficult with men, or am I allowing them to be. Im getting older, this shit isnt getting better......



I always tend to think I’m a great motivator of other people. If you have a dream and idea…I will do everything in my power to encourage you to pursue it. Now this ex boyfriend and I didn’t have a bad breakup. We clearly could remain friends and everything would be ok, only problem is…there is still crazy chemistry between us and obviously the bond is still strong that we share…this is a deadly combination between two people who seriously dated for many years but given circumstances are no longer together. The reality is we will probably never be together…..unless the planets align. With that said, I have a better chance of hitting the lottery.



Anyways….I feel like this is a situation where you are investing in something, WITH NO RETURN…..why set myself up for bankrupt? I want him to be a better person, but the way he confides in me and looks for validation of his life goals is the bond he should share with the woman he is with now. Am I being mean because I feel this way? Should I still continue to encourage him?

Welcome...Welcome...Welcome....To My New Home

I use to keep a private blog but have been encouraged to go public with my antics......So let's see how this goes....This is just my intro.....More to come....

I mean what do you really NEED to know about me? Let's more so talk about what you need to know about this blog.....This is my space..that's right..I'm possessive. I don't like to share(well maybe with an occasional guest blogger). These are my opinions, yours are welcomed in the comments section. I want to apologize in advance if you come here one day and read about yourself. I'm pretty sure there will be rants about my daily interactions with friends, coworkers and family...yeah...gotta love family. My blog is not focused on one particular subject. You know why? Because I'm kinda random. My mind goes in hundreds of directions....So I probably wont wanna write about the same thing every other day on here.....This blog is not intended to heal the world, maybe a couple of people here and there, but not the world.....so..I hope you enjoy. I'm just trying to bring common sense back with a little bit of humor and militancy...oh yeah..and I'm plotting to take over the world.....

-LevelHeadedChick