His Hand Was Raised...but he didn't have a question

I never really thought I would find myself in these type of situations...you know the kind that may possibly end up in death......

I have been described as educated, independent, strong, and focused.  I am usually the one giving advice on situations and relationships to friends on the opposite sex.  Yet and still....I found myself in an abusive relationship.  Yes..the signs were there, and I, like other women thought.....we are still learning each other...he is just having a really bad day, things will get better...but they didn't..and they probably wouldn't have...In fact, I'm more then willing to bet, they would have gotten worse. 

I met this guy, we will call him the devil Eric.  Eric was a regular guy on the outside.  He had a 9 to 5, worked hard and actually loved what he did for a living.  He kept to himself for the most part, and was kind of introverted.  Oh yeah..guess I failed to mention, we kind of worked in the same building.  I know bad move on my part, especially considering the way things ended.  Anyways, Eric and I started off in full throttle....he would show up to my door with groceries clean up behind himself (except for dishes, he hated doing the dishes), and for the most part treated me like a queen.  Then quickly, the representative of Eric faded away and I was presented with the real Eric.  This guy was much more scarier and had a temper.  Anything that deviated from his norm or schedule he flipped out about.  He slowly showed his controlling issues, which clashed completely with my personality.  I recall him flying off the handle about me ordering pork one day because he didn't eat pork.  He felt that if he was paying for the meal, he should not feel obligated to support something he didn't agree with. Oh, but please believe I HAD MY PORK and it was GOOD!!!!

Anyways, he didn't start off attempting to physically abuse me...It started with emotional abuse.  The odd thing about this was that, I never really experience emotional abuse so I wasn't able to recognize it right away.  I just knew that after being around him, I felt drained and tired. 

The relationship was always up and down...high and low...there was never a balance to it, or some type of in between.  Funny enough, when things felt balanced, it was abnormal to him, so he would do something to throw the balance off again.  This is how he operated his life....

The last straw that broke the camels back was one Saturday, he left to go meet with a client.  Once he came home, I greeted him with a hello.  He said nothing...I got up to iron clothes.  I had planned in advance to attend a church function.  As I went to iron my clothes, he followed behind me and inquired my future whereabouts.  I didn't bother to answer.  Hey I thought, he didn't speak when he came in, I don't have to speak now.  And that is when all hell broke loose things really fell apart.

He accused me of cheating. I had my back turned to him and when I turned around he sprayed me in the face with a household cleaner.  I paused in my steps in shock...like I thought to myself did this ninja just spray me in the face with cleaner just happen.....I then began to collect my things to leave when he cornered me and raise his hand...I thought to myself...I really hope he knocks me the fcuk out because if not, Imma kill him dead is he really about to hit me....like when did it get to this?  How did I allow it to get to this?  He didn't hit me, but the fact that it crossed his mind where he physically lifted his hand to follow through on his anger towards me left one baffled.

I've never experienced any kind of domestic violence.  I've never witnessed it within my family.  So I really didn't know what to do...I was feeling so many emotions at one time, and I felt like time was running out for me to process them.  People always say if that was me, I would do this...well truth is..you don't know what you will do...You haven't a clue, because we tend to think we are above being put in those type of situations.  I felt like somehow this was my fault.  I know I didn't deserved to be hit, but it was my fault I allowed myself to stay in this unhealthy situation as long as I did.  I was so upset  and disappointed with myself.  I became depressed and kind of closed myself off for about a month and did the usual emotional eating thing we as women tend to do.  No one would have ever known what had happened to me if I hadn't told them...and the people closest to me didn't know about my bout of anger with myself.  

Instead of identifying as a victim of domestic abuse, I like to identify as a survivor of it.  I talk about it with people because that is my therapy.  It's how I've learned to work through it.  Domestic violence happens more often then not.  We don't discuss it half as much as we should.  It's only been forced into the light more recently because of the Chris Brown vs. Rhianna situation.  Many and I do mean MANY of my strong, independent friends have experience some form of it....we just don't talk about it.  It's almost like we see it as embarrassing, so we tuck it deep inside somewhere, hoping never to go through it again.  It was by far the worse relationship I have ever been in, but as crazy as this may sound..I have to be thankful for it, because it made me grow more as a person and learn who I am and what I want from a partner.  When i see flashing red lights...I immediately stop in my tracks and remove myself from that situation.  The objective is to do better, not do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

What really bothers me is how many women are out here hurting because they don't talk about what happened to them?  What about the ones who are still going through it?